self reflect

distance and times have made the friendship somehow, vague...... its as if we've known for not too long. nothing much is said and now i'm beginning to think that our topics revolve around her, the orchestra, the members of it. and tht was basically it. now that i've quitted, it somehow just feels tht we're strangers. total strangers who have nothing to talk about. or perhaps there's this confidentiality of an "audience" and an orchestra member. really know know what is that thick wall between us now.

Used to think that the 3 of us would be good friends all the way, with the addition of 2 more which made it even better. the 5 of us, i thought at that time would be there for each other, imseperable; but it turns out differently now. Seemed like not long ago that we celebrated his birthday at Robson Heights. What a difference a year makes.

things have really changed. I'm outkasted from the group of 5 now. seems like the trio are the stronger ones, with her being the one outkasted but still with them, spending time together. perhaps it's that small difference that we all have now that makes us different. The 5 alphabets that used to spell my life no longer impactful. Being replaced slowly by another 5. I still talk abt them often. telling tales of how my years were, the stuff that happened, the bad things i've did, the nonsense blog posts i've made, retarded and definitely hurtful words i said about her. It definitely affected the relationship we had, thts wat i feel. But, the truth is i was really mad and disappointed, i had to take it out on someone/somewhere, i just had the urge to make everyone suffer with me. being generous with my sufferings, offering it to everyone i know/dont know.

Getting a call from the admin asking me to be part of them for a week, it moved me surely, i was happy definitely, if they asked me 3months ago, i would've agreed on the spot, not thinking of the consequences. But this time, i hesitated. I thought. I revised all pros and cons. i laid them out one by one. and apart from that, i considered what would the people there look at me as. especially the big boss and my mentor. what do they think of me now? how would they react to the mistakes that i Might make during the week? those questions were popping here and there.

sigh

this might sound like an emotional post, but in true fact, it is a self-reflecting post. which in real life, i truly regret the things i've said, done and felt. i shouldn't have doubted her. she was afterall doing it for the sake of the well being of everyone. And now, i decide. to go OR not to go.



till then,
sher mann...